Okay, so before I start yapping on about my sad and disinteresting online dating experience, I feel the need to include my reasons for writing posts about dating & love, as I’ve had a few single pringles offer to save me from a lonely life of misery and end my hopeless search for a good man. Everything I write about comes from my own experiences, however I am not a desperate love-seeking damsel who’s on a mission to find the one right now…I am simply putting myself out there for writing inspiration and research purposes. I don’t believe the right person can be found on a Saturday sesh bumping & grinding…it’s something that I feel can only occur when you don’t necessarily want it, and that my friends is the stage I am at right now (maybe if I tell myself that enough, he will appear on his white horse, singing “where have you been?” like a fucking Disney prince charming) – This is where all the shit begins people, poor naive 5 year olds believing that men kiss you awake in order to be married by the morrow, when the reality is stumbling drunks, half cut who prefer one-night-stands and a bacon sarnie. We’re all screwed from the bloody get go, Cheers Walt!
Any who…back to the topic. A great deal of us have used dating websites and apps, with a rather hefty 1 in 5 relationships now starting online. The once shameful stigma has become a norm with many of us openly admitting to using such platforms to find a partner. No longer do we associate internet dating with pervy rocket polishers and desperate cat ladies, as it has become a part of our new-age society…BUT my question is, can it, and does it work? I mean, clearly it works wonders according to stats but after my unlucky stint with good old Tinder, I honestly can’t see how.
I can already feel the anticipation as the excitement mounts…you all want to know what happened on Tinder right? Well read on chums…
After connecting my Facebook account to prove i was real, I was good to swipe…obviously changing original photos and uploading my best angled, bigger breasted, pout posing filtered ones of course 😉 (it’s called enhancement guys, not false advertisement). My initial thought as I began my swiping journey was ‘this is rather shallow’ but I had a word with myself and realised it’s the same process I go through on nights out…walk straight past the guys that don’t tickle my eye and have a small (non-creepy) gander at the ones that do. It started off quite fun and entertaining until I got to my 43rd NOPE and began to understand that it’s seriously more than looks for me. I know everybody says that, but i knew it to be true when some hot totty appeared on my screen sporting a tight vest to enhance the pecs, a mirrored view of his sleeved bicep and the famous ‘I’m wearing grey joggers to present you my bulge’, …it was a party for the eyeballs, until I scrolled on down to his bio which read ‘Gym, mates, booze & girls’ needless to say that the left-swipe got swiped hard. Surely, we don’t need to state our love for the obvious, I mean what kind of bloke would you be if you didn’t like your mates and girls? You would be a non-sociable hermit and I would be barking up the wrong tree (if you know what I mean)
I’d sometimes find myself on a total NOPE-swiping roll, and accidentally left-swipe a gem amongst stones (they should add a back button) I’d then sit wondering if that was the ‘one’ in hundreds of profiles that I was meant to meet & become that ‘1 in 5’ that start online– guess I’ll never know.
Now I’m not going to lie, there were the odd few that I matched with, but after conversing with them, most turned out to be 5 ft 6 with a love for feet or 6 ft 5 with a love for roids, and i’m sorry but the man for me is not some short bodied toe sucker or an angry, no-necked giant.
I was especially impressed by a dude named Pete, 31 living in Ossett with a degree and a love for dogs… I later found out whilst watching WWF, the pictures of Pete were in fact those of an American wrestler who had never set foot in England, never mind studied Science & Criminology at Leeds Beckett. Bastard Catfish! After reviewing my options, I agreed to meet a guy for a late-night snifter at a bar close to home. During our ‘hello nice to meet you hug’, a quarter bottle of whiskey fell out of his inner pocket… now I’m not talking the standard JD or Bells bottle here…I’m talking non-marked, home brewed, super strong style potion that he’d clearly guzzled 60% of on his way to meet me. Intoxication is an understatement and It was at this very moment I knew I’d end up forever alone, bitterly twisted and fearful of dates & home brews. Due to being a kind and very understanding individual with a love for alcohol, I stuck it out and ordered myself a strong ass Gin, but i’d not even had my third sip of Hendricks before he muttered the words bag of cocaine and asked if i fancied a Tuesday sesh.
drink downed, excuse made…TIME TO GO.
23 days on Tinder and a not so healthy selection of meat heads, foot-fuckers, snow sniffers, knob joggers & home brewing alcoholics. Good luck to the rest of you…but i’m OUT!
#Onlinedating #Love #Virtuallove #Dating #Relationships