The morning after.
A long and intense night of passionate, yet animalistic sex. You’re relaxed and satisfied with orgasmic euphoria, coffee in hand and a smile on your face. You stumble out of bed in search of your floor sprawled garments. Retrieving each item of your pre-shag ensemble. You’re stuck with confusion and a hint of reality. It slaps you in the face like an upstream Salmon.
Que the dreaded question … ‘Where the f*ck are my f*cking knickers?!’
It’s surely debatable whether losing your knickers is as horrifying as losing your phone. Yes okay, it’s not a block of technology storing the entirety of one’s life and finances…BUT it’s just as personal if not intensely violating for someone to nick. Not only are good fitting undergarments that compliment our arses hard to find on the regular – but the mystery of how long we’ve owned them is horrifically blown wide open on intense inspection. I guess the real question is, who should be more embarrassed? The girl who’s had her disintegrating 5- year-old thong stolen? Or the creepy little bastard who actually stole them? Some of you may not know this but there is actually a name for these lace stealing lotharios and their unusual hobby…
It is called ‘Underwear Fetishism’. But back before the 80’s these panty thieves were called Snowdroppers. If only their crimes and unethical practices were as innocent and festive as the name suggests, right?
Underwear fetishism is certainly a term that we as women should try to remember for these potential knicker stealing moments, as it’s unfortunately a trend that just keeps on growing. During a recent study, it was bafflingly measured that a hefty 41% of women have had their underwear stolen, or ‘unknowingly misplaced’ after a fumble between the sheets. Which makes me wonder if there’s a designated area for such a high volume of robbed thongs and French knickers throughout the years… almost like a car tip for pre-loved undies. An even more worrying thought, is that one day, these stolen beauties could be used for cloning purposes (of which we’d be completely oblivious to) until eventually coming face to face with an identical US – Okay, I agree it’s a bit farfetched but these are the dramatic and fearful thoughts we have when something so embarrassingly personal gets taken from our possession post bone. I mean, what could possibly be the purpose for nabbing such a small and useless item? Are they cleverly recycled into a warming winter throw, or how about carefully sown into a sexy lace hat? Probably not! Are they washed and re-worn by the knicker thief himself, parading In front of his mirror with a ball or two on show? OR are they continuously sniffed as a reminiscent of sexual accomplishment, remaining hot in the nostril of the crude crook himself? The possibilities are undoubtedly endless but it’s a question I am determined to one day get to the bottom of, with at least half my knicker draw still intact.
It may sound like fun and games … but let’s not skirt over the fact that stealing underwear is actually theft and if ever reported to the police, is rightly treated as a serious crime. In March of this year, a sleazy hotel worker was sentenced at court, having plead guilty to stealing over a THOUSAND pairs of undies from confused female guests. Thus, further confirming that this slightly hilarious but sickening act is certainly NOT okay. Some would write it off as a ‘silly and harmless fetish’- but when does something so ridiculously pointless become a perversion of our personal rights? As a woman of 31 and an avid owner of many Bridget Jones bloomers, I have had first-hand experience with underwear theft, having said RIP to several pairs of my cherished panties and understandably being left with the question WHY? What’s more confusing is that they’ve never been my sexiest silk numbers or Victoria Secret specials. Oh no … they’ve always been my £1 Primark slingshots or a shameful pair from an affordable ‘comfy briefs’ 10 pack. It’s an embarrassing realisation that some men out there have taken joy or even sexual pleasure from potentially sniffing my ugliest knick-knacks! What a WIN!
The undercarriage for us women is such well-kept sacred place. Yes, we can make the occasional mistake and let a dick head with no dick explore our flourished garden of love, but we pride ourselves on the condition of our smalls – so when our vintage vadge-mask get taken from our being, it can be gut wrenchingly shameful as well as mind numbingly weird!!
So, ladies my conclusion to this post is ‘please keep an eye out for your undergarment treasures’. If they’re not your finest pair of sheer satins then hide them from the world of sticky-fingered creeps and sniffer-dog Steves. Of course, we shouldn’t have to do this in order to keep our knickers safe … but the world has most definitely gone mad and I am now down to my last 2 pairs of high waisted tummy-control briefs.
If you’re one of the men mentioned above who likes to indulge in a little scratch, sniff and steal, then I hope this write-up has made you think twice about your next seedy crime. If you’re not ripping them off with your teeth, then don’t be robbing them out of our lives.
Over & Out!