ANY HOLE’S A GOAL!

It’s flabbergasting-madness that some of our men give nada fucklings about who they’re about to cock-dip, as long as their load gets well and truly blown. I mean, how is having zero sexual standards and a dick as dirty as a holiday flip flop, good for overall self-worth and general hygiene?

I have always questioned how far and low some men would go…so I took part in some very personal research to calculate just how important sex is to the single man of today. It turns out that a hefty 63% of the men I asked between 25 and 40, stated that sex was higher on their priority list than both friends and careers. This ultimately means that a colossal number of the male species would happily choose to bone, over getting a promotion at work or reuniting with a long-lost pal. This utter dedication to a mere shag is mind-blowing, and I must say I’m rather impressed that our caves of wonder can hold such enticing power.

Men and women have always overly differed when it comes to choosing sexual partners. Of course a woman can enjoy and require sex just as much as a Steve with a stiffy but we are far less likely to go and satisfy those needs by bumping uglies with uglies. Women have self-control when it comes to tingly temptations. We can be climbing the high walls of sexual frustration, completely forgetting how it feels when a real- life human tickles our pickle…yet STILL maintain our basic check-list standards. Men on the other hand, can get hot under the collar watching a horny Jack Russel hump the stump of a vulnerable tree, sending a shockwave of arousal to the awoken member, leading to a high dive into a pool of various vadge. It’s like they sniff out anything with an opening and just jump HEAD first…

I mean, we’ve all read that the ‘likely’ theory of how aids was transferred from chimp to human was an act of killing and consuming said chimp…but we all know there’s another very plausible course of action that could have taken place back in the rocking 20’s. You’re telling me that man didn’t get a touch curious and think ‘what the hell, there’s a hole, imma make it my goal’? The thought of bestiality Is enough to make us gag on our lockdown sarnies but let’s face it, we’ve all witnessed way worse on Tik Tok. I’m just saying, that if this recent study is accurate and over 50 percent of men rank sex as their number ONE concern in life, then one of them porking a wild animal before free porn was born is not such an unbelievable turn of events. Now let’s face it, if this all began with a woman and her pet chimp, then the idea of sexual misconduct would certainly not sound as believable.

Women usually require something with more substance… and this comes as no surprise when you look at the array and versatility of today’s sex-toy market. When it comes to selection, we’ve got it all. We’ve got the realistic Ryan’s, the curved cocked Kens and the big boy Bens just that one click away from a home delivery. We are simply spoilt for choice when it comes to pushing our own buttons and getting ourselves off, so of course we’re going to need more than just a dick with a dick to complete the job.

However, it’s a well-known fact that women’s brains can be licked to climax as easy as oral. Just a sweet stroke of good conversation and a caress of fine words can send our female hormones into a sexual frenzy…So guys, it makes perfect sense to work just as hard on those communication skills as you do on your genital thrust. The men of the world who can stimulate our minds, emotions, clitoris and back door (on occasion), are rated much higher in the bedroom ranks, and are usually kept on longer down the line as husbands or sexual pets 😛

But some inexperienced men think that their wand-of-wonder alone, is enough to tightly seal that bedroom deal … the poor beggars couldn’t be more wrong. Sure, the standard sensation of penetration will undoubtedly be there, but there’s so much more pleasure to be had by both parties. I’ll attempt to explain this fact with life’s other main pleasure … FOOD! If sex was a sausage casserole, you wouldn’t just toss those bangers in the oven and leave them to dry up over time, you’d  prep, season and sauce them with a basil infused jus. Treat your woman like some good quality meat and you’ll be surprised at how good both cooking and shagging can be. It’s not about how great you ‘think’ you might be, it’s about exploring your sexual partners body, experimenting with words and combining those ingredients that make a party in your mouth.

Some men have been known to brag about being exceptional in the sack … all due to giving ex-girlfriend Karen a 9-hour sesh of awkward Karma Sutra back in their teens.

“She squirted everywhere mate. Completed the waterpark didn’t I?”

Okay, so number 1. Every girl is different with different buttons, a different g-spot location and different needs. Number 2. Urine is a very similar substance to orgasmic juices, and number 3. Exaggeration for encouragement is very much a thing… I mean this in the nicest way but 9 times out of 10 she’s stroking your ego shaft. This is not necessarily a lie, it’s like a little supportive cheer to help you feel sexually motivated. It’s like having your very own PT, except instead of shouting “one more shoulder pull-up!” she’s screaming “one more cock push-up” – Tenacious D fans will get this 😊

On occasion, our sexual partners can think they’ve given us multiple orgasms, when in fact we’ve just about managed to reach a solitary ONE through vigorous self-flicking and mental imagery of the new Jefree Star eye palette. We never correct them in the moment of sauce due to fear of affecting sexual stamina and deflating stallion ego but this can potentially create all kinds of sexual repression and libido loss in the boudoir of love. Admitting such harsh truths in the prime of your man’s moment can of course be difficult – it’s like telling a cute child that he only scored one of the five goals he made on the pitch – because the other four were offside. Many would refrain from such honesty and allow the poor unaware child to believe his own sporting greatness, but this is in fact more damaging, as he will never learn how to correctly set up that perfect goal – leading to future him never knowing how to correctly set up that perfect hole.

So, what this information clearly tells us, is that the women of the world should be far more open and honest about their sexual needs between the sheets and the men of the world should attempt to be less self-righteous and delusional when it comes to their undercarriage skillset.

But … if porking everything that moves is your thing, then own that impressive sex-drive and be honest about your ability to dick-dip through life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying one of the worlds truest pleasures a little more than most…but you can certainly be a pleasant being in the process whilst learning how to truly make it satisfying for everyone involved.

We need to harness sexual power together, communicate like no other, practice brutal honesty with each other and then, and only then will our holes be real, life-long goals.

L.B

Published by lauraslife848

Just a 30 something girl typing TRUTH Disclaimer: A lot of what i write is for entertainment purposes ONLY - Don't get butthurt ;-)

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